Everyone Needs a Plan

My mind won’t let me recall the scenes now.  They were disturbing.  Three nights in a row, dreams of gruesome content that involved my family.  One woke me from a dead sleep because of the look of abject fear on my husband’s face as he looked up a stairwell at an unknown threat coming toward us.  I’m awake at 4:41 am, reflecting on these dreams, my back kinked because the dog is sleeping exactly where my feet should be.  I find myself wondering, “Has the refrigerator always been that annoyingly loud?”

Every year, around this time, I am surprised by the same thing.  It’s still summer weather, so I never see it coming.  But the decline of sunlight hours began at summer solstice and by now, those of us who are light sensitive are beginning to feel the effects.  Most of us don’t know why we feel icky and we’ll blame it on everything else.  Of course, that blame too is deserved.  While the chemicals in our brains are always implicated in our moods, the circumstances in our lives affect the production of those chemicals.   And the circumstances of late, make this year a doozie.  

Even those who are not light sensitive are suffering from some degree of PTSD going into the fall.  None of us want a repeat of last September through June.  And while one of the few things guaranteed is that nothing repeats itself the same way ever so hope for a better future is always possible, that is cold comfort when Delta cases are rampant, lonely folks are anticipating another isolated winter and more and more of us are grieving someone who died from Covid. As our unvaccinated kids return to school, we wait, with no solid plan, for a future that might - yet again - thrust us into the precarious place of choosing between working, schooling our children or letting them free fall into their futures with no education to speak of. 

Whoa.  That last bit should have come with a trigger warning.  Sorry.  Consider yourself warned, because there is more.  

Layered upon light sensitivity and PTSD are all the other things that can tax our nervous systems and brain chemistry. There are the things we can be born with like ways our bodies look - that are perfectly healthy like being Black or Fat -  that people societally discriminate against.  Discrimination is a cause of depression.   

There are conditions like ADHD and Autism - that predispose us to getting overwhelmed to a degree that can bring on depression.  Then there are the ways people have hurt us, that our brain still suffers from.  Like unresolved childhood and relationship trauma.  The hormonal shifts from fertility treatments, pregnancy, postpartum and peri-menopause affect our moods directly.  And there is the mental health crisis of being a man in America.  And of being a woman in America.  And of being anybody, in America.  

By now, I’m hoping you’re starting to see my point, which is not to terrorize you.  It’s to help you see that there are many, many reasons why my dreams, the fact that I had to cancel sessions with clients last week just to rest, and my unwillingness to exert effort to move the dog and help myself, could all be warning signs of early depression.  And I am here to tell you that depression does not fix itself.  

I know some of you know exactly what I mean and are digging out your light boxes, considering those anti-depressants and hauling yourself out of bed just to run a little bit.  Others of you are using a favorite tool of humans.  Denial.  

So what to do instead of pretending you are going to be the one happy flower among us?  Well, human beings are the kinds of creatures that like and need three kinds of things. 

Tools. 

Medicine.  

People. 

First, the tools.  We are so creative.  We will make anything into a tool. And I’m not kidding that denial is a tool.  It helps us avoid pain and sometimes it works.  In small doses.  At the right moment.  But we get attached to our favorite tools and we use the wrong ones for the job.  Frequently. 

What are some other tools?  Hyper-cleaning.  Binge shopping.  Criticizing others.  They all help increase happiness or dispel fear.  Very useful.  But they have varying degrees of success.  And you can hurt people with them if you overuse them.  People like yourself.   

The most successful tools, like meditation and exercise, tend to require discipline we are sometimes too far gone to find.  That’s another argument for putting the tool of denial down now and walking away slowly.  If you admit early on that the threat of depression is real, then you can switch from doom scrolling in bed to reading a paper book in low light before sleep, and that still might be enough to change your mood. 

Next, medicine.  I see you with the vape pen and opening that bottle of wine.  And I feel you.  Medicine is essential and we will use some.  Find me the average person who uses no alcohol, drugs, sugar and who is also not a compulsive endorphin seeking exercise junkie and I will make them my guru.   They must know about a kind of medicine I have yet to see anyone use consistently (and if there is a good one, I want to know about it.) 

Although maybe they’re just using one of the very safe and low side-effect options available to all of us.  Anti-depressant SSRIs can be prescribed for $12 a month out of pocket and merely allow your brain to make more of the happy chemical it already makes - Serotonin.  So, while our favorite medicines often come with expensive side effects - like alcohol that messes with sleep and relationships and can make mood problems worse - the prescription ones are here to work with our existing wiring.  Given all the stressors I described earlier, we all have reasons to be operating with less than optimal levels of happy chemicals.  So if it seems like everyone is taking them these days, well, it makes sense.  No one should still be promoting stigma around these being a sign of weakness.  If you are, shame on you.  Because someone in your life is suffering, needs them, and it might just be you.  (And I forgive you.  But seriously, stop it.) 

Lastly, we need people.  We have been suffering from the effects of deepening isolation since the dawn of smartphones and Covid has made it much worse.  Research shows that loneliness is dangerous for our health and that friendships are as effective at treating depression as medication.  If you have people, make plans with them early and often.  But some of us don’t.  And we must do better on this.  My project People is looking at whether we can use socializing like a medicine.  We need to see each other, make contact, feel heard and hear others.  These things are still vitally important, even while we are trying to protect ourselves from a deadly disease.  If having accessible, predictable and safe, regular connection with others appeals to you, sign up for updates.   We will be starting beta test get-togethers in the near future. 

Suffering is not cute.  What if we stopped accepting it and did the things that make us feel better?  Whatever versions of the above we can manage. You could call your doctor, sign up for get-togethers with people and spread the word.  Because what will change everything from climate change and discrimination to how you feel when you wake up in the morning, is open, caring connection.  And it starts with you caring about yourself.  

I’ll be working on my plan.  I can’t wait to hear what you find.

Bridget Geraghty (she/they) is a human being. Also, they are a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice and the founder of Resolve Therapy.